Me and the boys...

So, I am finally alone for a second with both of the boys napping in the bedroom. The last couple days have been pretty wild; you never quite understand HOW wild until you get to bring a newborn home for the first time. Combine this with my already slightly exaggerated fear-level (from all the NICU fun), and you have one pretty sleep deprived mom!

As you may have read in Mark's last post, Dane is struggling with constipation; we're not sure if it's caused by the iron supplement he's taking, the formula we're using to fortify his breastmilk, or just the luck of the draw, but it's hard to see him in pain and not be able to immediately quell it! I guess that's just one of the things that parents eventually get used to - having to realize that they need to trust God's ability to take care of their babe when they can't.

As for how we're feeling/coping with the new shift in life, I've bawled pretty much every couple hours the past two days. Today is a little better, as I'm starting to get used to the schedule. I was able to shower, with Dane resting in the living room this morning - on the advice of a nurse who said that you need to force yourself to practice leaving the baby alone in a safe place to do other things, even briefly. She said if you don't start early, it'll only be harder. So, I took probably the world's fastest shower and ran back out to the living room to find Dane sleeping like an angel, not even having moved from the position he was in when I left. Phew. It's good to know that on top of everything else, I don't have to be dirty all the time:)

Mark is doing an amazing job of reassuring me when I get stressed about something, which makes me appreciate him in a whole new way. His relative calm is a beautiful thing when I'm sobbing because Dane's crying and I feel like he deserves someone much more skilled at parenting than I am. Mark is struggling with getting too little sleep, but on the advice of our friends, he's napping while Dane's napping, so that's a good plan for now.

We're also just feeling so excited to be able to see all our little guy's facial expressions, and hear all the little squeaks and sounds he makes. His personality is already coming out and we've laughed a lot about funny things he does. What a cool gift! Although, with us as parents, I'm sure he'll end up having a pretty good sense of humor to survive. Possibly not refined...but good;)

One more thing to pray about - I've been trying all sorts of things to try and decrease my supply (and hence, stop some of the painful/time-consuming stuff that goes along with too much milk), such as hot and cold compresses, taking Sudafed, taking B-6, pumping less frequently, and even putting cold cabbage leaves in my bra (Mark thinks this is hilarious because I smell like cabbage...go figure), but to no avail. I want to be able to focus on caring for Dane, and it's incredibly distracting to constantly be finding lumps that I need to pump out or waking in the night to pain. I would appreciate your prayers.

Well, I too am in need of a bit of rest, so I'm going to hit the hay while I can...yay for sleep!

The Voyage Home

Yesterday we got the big call from the NICU saying Dane was ready to come home. He'd passed his 48 hours of eating without being fed through the nasogastric tube. With emotions of excitement and nervousness at once, Larissa and I went to the hospital to pick him up and bring him home. We were told he was "ready to go" and assumed we'd just go get him and bring him home. 2 1/2 hours later, after they'd made all of the follow-up doctors appointments and photocopied his paperwork (labs, etc) to bring to his pediatrician (these were all things that seriously could'vebeen done prior to us getting there, which was frustrating because we just wanted to get home with him), we left for home.

After getting home, we got settled in. Dane was so excited to be home that he was unable to poop - until thismorning when Larissa helped him out with a q-tip smothered in vasoline (as recommended by the NICU). After ~36 hours without a bowel movement, he had been quite full. So full, in fact, that he was pretty fussy all night. He didn't want to sleep and didn't want to eat but just farted and strained and cried. Larissa and I didn't get much sleep, if any, until after his 1am feeding. Then we slept until 5am (waking up anytime he made a sound...or didn't make a sound, to see what was wrong or make sure he was still breathing) at which time Larissa got up to feed him and pump. After Larissa helped Dane have his bowel movement thismorning, he seemed much happier and took his bottle better and slept peacefully most of the afternoon. He even didn't get too upset when we gave him a real bath (in the kid tub set into our bathtub). Instead of getting upset, he just gave us a look that said "what are you DOING to me?!"

The rest of the day today has been as smooth as can be expected. We rarely feel like we know what we're doing and feel like we should still be visiting him at the NICU. We are hoping that he'll do a better job taking his whole bottle and that he'll get past this constipation that's bothering him. We are tired but can't yet sleep well because we're listening for him to know he's ok.

Dane is HOME!

We just picked up Dane at the hospital. More photos will be coming. He's doing great.

quick update

Big day today at the NICU. Dane hasn't needed a feeding through the tube in his nose since yesterday (Sunday) at 2:30am! We just got off the phone with the nurse taking care of Dane at the NICU (our nightly update) and she said that the doctor said that he thinks Dane may be able to come home TOMORROW if he continues to eat well (remember that he needs to go 48 hours without needing to be fed through the tube before he's eligible to come home). Another big milestone he passed tonight was his car seat test. He sat in the car seat for over an hour without losing good oxygen saturation. Translation: he's good to go home from that standpoint. And lastly, Dane got his first shot tonight! (I'm sure he was very excited about that...) He got Hepatitis B #1. We'll continue getting the rest of his shots during upcoming pediatrician visits. (He will also continue to get passive-immunity for several more months because Larissa passes on her antibodies in the breast milk.)

Suffice to say, while Larissa and I knew that Dane theoretically could be coming home tomorrow if his feeds continue to do well, we were still a bit blown away when the nurse told us on the phone that the NICU doctor said it. It was one thing to think about it, another thing entirely to hear it from the NICU. So, we'll see in the morning how tonight went for him and if they still think he might be coming home tomorrow. We are really glad that we have clean clothes and his pack-and-play all ready for him. Yes, we also still have plenty of breast milk. So, we'll see what tomorrow holds. We are hoping to get some good sleep tonight in preparation for some less-than-ideal nights of sleeping once he does come home.

our freezer is full!

Our freezer is officially full of breast milk (>600 ounces already). For those of you who love math, that is over 5 gallons of frozen breast milk! We have such an overabundance of breast milk that we are trying to decrease Larissa's supply. This is harder to accomplish than you'd think. Larissa has been trying to wean the supply by pumping less (less volume pumped, fewer minutes spent pumping, less power on the pump, spacing pumps further apart) but it hasn't been working. That has only led to constant engorgement, which is painful and scary (having lumps makes her feel even more out of control of her body). Even the "lactation consultant" nurse at the hospital seemed surprised by how much milk Larissa is pumping. We have been researching methods of reducing her supply. Some websites suggest drinking sage tea. The lactation consultant suggested taking sudafed every other day. Anyone have any suggestions for what does / doesn't work? Almost everything we read is about how to increase milk supply, which is definitely not our problem.

Dane has been doing well. His feedings have been at 45cc every 3 hours. Today the doctors switched him to either 45cc / 3 hours OR 60cc /4 hours based on any cues he gives about how hungry he is. Today he tolerated the 4 hour feedings all day, which is great. (We would definitely prefer for him to only wake us up every 4 hours all night instead of every 3 hours... every little bit helps!) Because of his acid reflux, we are trying to hold Dane upright for at least 20 minutes after each feeding. One of the recommended techniques is to put him on my leg with his head on my knee. This way, his head is above his stomach and there is some pressure on his stomach to help get any air out and reduce his reflux. As you can see from the photo, he really likes it. :)

Lastly, Dane is getting close to coming home! Today we were told to bring in our car seat tomorrow. They strap him in for at least an hour (preferably two hours) to make sure he doesn't lose good oxygenation while strapped in. This happens when babies slouch in the car seat, either because they are too small or it isn't fit correctly for him. So, even though we aren't planning on any long car trips for a while (our apartment is only ~5 minutes from the hospital), we can't take him home until he passes the car seat test. Hopefully he'll be break the 5-pound mark tomorrow and as he gets bigger, his chances of passing the car seat test increase. We're hoping he passes on the first try, tomorrow, so that he can come home once they say he's ready. :) If you look at the picture of Dane enjoying his bottle, you can really see how much better (and fatter - he definitely has a double chin now) he looks than the similar photo from a couple weeks ago. And look how happy he looks after eating...

some new things

Dane had a very stressful day yesterday. First he had his second head ultrasound. We were told these were just a formality and they didn't expect to see anything. As it turned out, there was a "little abnormal something" seen on the first ultrasound that they wanted to recheck. There was a small abnormal spot that "may or may not be a small intracranial bleed" from the first scan that is still present. The radiologist wouldn't commit to a definitive answer but the NICU doctor said that he doesn't think it is anything problematic. He said that it is either not a bleed or is a Grade I (the lowest grade) bleed. It is also difficult to tell exactly what is going on because the ultrasound was done through his anterior fontanelle (the small soft spot at the front of his skull, which doesn't provide a large window to view his brain with the ultrasound). These bleeds aren't surprising in preemies, we were told, and they are frequently due to trauma at birth. They were a bit surprised that it wasn't resolved by now, 4 weeks after delivery, but they said that it isn't worse and there aren't any new abnormal spots so the physician isn't too concerned. Even if it is the Grade I bleed, most preemies with this grade intracranial bleed do fine. As of right now, it will be up to the physician if he wants to get a better look at the spot with a MRI of his brain (which would be done at 40 weeks, ~3 weeks from now) or just follow Dane's progress clinically. They don't think there is much reason to get the MRI right now because even if he had the Grade I bleed, it wouldn't change his medical management at this time.

The second big event from yesterday was Dane's eye exam. The pediatric ophthalmologist said that the blood vessels in his eyes look very well developed. The only concern was that he has several retinal hemorrhages. Again, these are somewhat common as birth trauma but usually are completely healed within 2 weeks and are less commonly seen 4 weeks after delivery. They said these hemorrhages could also be due to trauma since birth, which is also extremely unlikely since he hasn't left the NICU yet. Because of the possible intracranial bleed and the retinal hemorrhages, the doctors got another blood draw on Dane. It showed that he is still anemic (not surprising after less than a week since the last blood test) but, the good news, is that his PT/PTT (measures of his platelet function and how well he clots from both internal and external stimuli) and platelet count was also normal. So for now, they don't believe that Dane has a bleeding disorder and are assuming that the possible intracranial bleed and the retinal hemorrhages are due to birth trauma. We will be following up with the pediatric ophthalmologist in ~2 weeks to see if things are resolved.

Finally, Dane is still doing well (but not doing perfect) with his feedings. He is continuing to gain weight and hasn't needed many feedings through his nasogastric tube. Today, he was increased from 40cc / 3 hours to 45cc / 3 hours. We were with him for 2 feedings and he did very well. He took his entire bottle on the first feed and for the second he breastfed really well. We weren't expecting him to breast feed well on the second feed, so we hadn't weighed him prior to the feeding and therefore had no idea how much he drank. But he did latch and feed well for almost 40 minutes. We assumed that he got about half of his feeding from that and then successfully took ~25cc of milk from the bottle.

We are getting very excited for Dane to come home! Because of this, we finished washing all of his preemie clothes and blankets/sheets tonight. All of his clothes are so small and cute! Pretty much everything is ready for him to come home (we think).

Dane is Famous!

Dane is 4 weeks old today! (And, therefore, it has been 4 weeks since his blog was started). You may have noticed a box at the bottom of the blog that says "visitor counter" with no additional information. This counter is part of Google Analytics and, by checking our account, we can view lots of really interesting information about the website visitors. For instance, since the blog was started The Daily Dane has had:
1,188 site visits with 2,442 total pageviews, of which the counter noted 237 unique visitors / IP addresses from a recorded 7 countries (USA, Brazil, Ghana, Israel, China, Germany, & Thailand). Most (505) of the page visits have been from Madison, WI (thanks Grandma and Grandpa Anderson) but, as I mentioned, we have had people check up on Dane from around the world.

And as far as the Dane Report today, Dane is doing well. After we left the NICU last night, he went 8 feedings in a row taking them entirely from the bottle! That is great! His 2pm feed today, however, he needed some help to finish the last 10cc of his bottle...he just got too tired, so we fed him through his tube. It is encouraging that he is doing better. His improvement is, at least in part, due to switching him to the Dr. Brown Wide-Neck bottle. He loves it and it helps him latch for a better suck. We are learning his cues as to when he is drinking too fast or forgets to breathe, so as to help not overload him with milk in one mouthful and either throw up or aspirate some milk into his lungs.

Because we hope he is getting close to coming home, I stopped by the Winfield Fire Department and had two really nice firemen help correctly install the carseat. Larissa and I tried our best, but it seems that the back seat in Larissa's Camry is too sloped for the carseat, so they had to prop the seat up with some foam to make it at the correct angle. We also thought it was odd that the carseat is only connected at the rear of the bench, clipped to where the seat meets the backrest. The front end of the carseat (which is actually the rear of the carseat, because for newborns you have the carseat in the back, facing back) has a little movement to it but the firemen said some movement is fine as long as there is less than an inch of wiggle-room where it connects to the seat.

Lastly, we had Larissa's 2nd baby shower today (at Tyndale, with her coworkers). It was fun for her to see everyone and the theme was mini-food, in homage to our mini-babe:) We got some much needed last items from the baby registry. One of her co-workers, Rachel, also made an amazing cake; it was delicious and rivaled any "professional" cake we've ever seen. Thanks to everyone who came - we had a great time catching up!

1.21 gigawatt reflux capacitor

Another day another issue. Today, Dane was diagnosed by the speech pathologists in the NICU (based on his symptoms) as having acid reflux. We have noticed that during and after meals he will often arch his back either forward or back and make a really upset face. We were told that when he flexes forward he is pooping but when he arches back he is responding to the reflux. We were told it is fairly common in all newborns, more common in preemies, and something he should grow out of in the weeks/months to come. To help prevent and/or minimize his reflux, we are supposed to hold him as upright as possible (ideally with him standing) for 20-30 minutes after each feeding and we are feeding him with a special bottle. The speech pathologists recommended the Doctor Brown Wide Neck bottle, which better simulates a breast and forces Dane to form a better seal around the bottle's nipple (and this supposedly gets him more used to breast feeding in addition to reducing his reflux.) So one more thing to help him get through, but once again we are relieved that it is a minor thing with hopefully an easy solution.

The doctors said they will continue to monitor for Dane's anemia. They said that they will be increasing his vitamins to "full strength" (1cc /day of polyvisol with iron) to help kick-start his body's production of red blood cells.

On an exciting note, we got Dane's Discharge Packet today. Very cool for us, not because it is an exciting read but rather because it means he'll hopefully be home with us soon. He is still growing (up to 4 pounds, 10 oz today), which is also great to see. Our car seat says it is good for babies between 5 and 22 pounds, so as long as he gains 6 more ounces before discharge he'll fit without a problem. (We are bringing the car seat in to the NICU soon so they can test to see how he fits in it...we will also wrestle with the car seat base to learn how to install it in Larissa's Camry and then go to the Wheaton Police Department to have them confirm that it was done correctly...I'm sure we can figure it out, but we just want to ensure he's as safe as possible!)

Lastly, we bought an outfit tonight for Dane for my graduation. We are planning on him being home by then (~6 weeks away) and want him looking good for the occasion. When the time comes, we'll of course share pictures. :) It was exciting because this was the first outfit for Dane that we actually bought (as opposed to gifts from family/friends and the plastic bin of preemie clothes that the Spencers were awesome enough to lend us). We can see that, if we aren't careful, Dane will be a VERY well dressed kid and we might be broke.

Where, oh where, did my red blood cells go?

Today was a fairly eventful day for our sweetie. We started the day by finding out that Dane has become anemic due to all the blood draws and tests that he had to do in the first couple weeks at the NICU. This wasn't a big surprise to us, as our doctor warned us this might occur unless he had a blood transfusion. Since he's continuing to grow, however, they're going to hold off on the transfusion, in the hope that his body will resolve the issue on it's own. This explains part of why he's struggled to feed lately, as anemia can cause fatigue. One question answered, but another thing to pray about, I guess. Dane seems to WANT to start eating via mouth though, as he's pulled his NG tube again today, for the fourth time (hence, the full face pictures). We keep telling him he has to keep drinking out of a bottle if he doesn't want the tube in; we hope he'll figure it out soon, but aren't sure he speaks English yet:)

He also had his weekly weigh in and measuring session this morning. We were excited to find out that he's grown to 4lbs, 9oz and 17.5 inches, from 3lbs 13 oz and 16.5 inches 3 weeks ago on his b-day. In the last week, his head also grew a centimeter and a half, which means he's probably taking after his dad and might also explain part of why he's so tired... :)

Finally, our favorite nurse, Tina, was enthusiastic about letting us give him his first non-sponge bath. It was a blast for us, but possibly not Dane's favorite activity ever. He did really well when he wasn't exposed to the air directly, but even warm water made him so cold! It definitely took some practice to get the correct hold on him (which still feels a lot like a choke-hold); he's a slippery little bugger when wet:) He was very content once wrapped back up in the Dane burrito (Mark and I are both expert swaddlers now). However, pretty much as soon as we sat down to comb his hair, he decided he was too clean and made a major mess...ah, just a glimpse of the future, I think. It was so fun to see how his hair got so much brighter orange when freshly washed! He's so cute, we can hardly stand it.

Feeding Confusion

So, Dane is currently in what is called the "feeding and growing" NICU, which means exactly what it says. His only job to complete before he comes home is to learn how to eat and keep growing. Sounds like an easy task, but if you've ever breastfed, even a non-preemie, you know how challenging it can be.

The first obstacle to overcome is making sure he's awake. He sleeps for between 16 and 22 hours each day right now, and any type of non-tube feed is exhausting for him. If we can beat that and get two eyes open at once, we then have to get the latch down.

He's pretty good at latching on if awake, but for some reason, at this point, he'll latch, take a good suck or two and then start shaking his head from side to side and grimacing...huh. He then loses his latch and focus and I can't say it feels too pleasant for me either. I'm not sure what the problem is - he looks so confused and frustrated. Or maybe I'M just feeling so confused and frustrated, that's what I'm interpreting his faces to mean. His other response to latching lately has been to fall asleep. The nurses tell me that it's because of the feeling of comfort from being near me, skin to skin, which, while making me feel a tremendous love for this little guy who needs me, also frustrates me, as it then causes another failed feeding.

For the last 3 or 4 days, we'll get into a pattern of sucking and work on it for 15-20 minutes, only to find that he's completely exhausted at the end and hasn't actually transferred anything. SO hard to hear over and over again. The doctors keep saying that for as little as he is, he's doing great and that one day he's just going to get it...but it's so hard to want him to come home and know that this is the last hurdle stopping him from being with us. I was afraid of how I would like breastfeeding, but even despite the difficulties we're having now, I love the feeling of being able to nurture and protect Dane, of being so close to him and knowing he's relying on me. I'm so thankful that God's allowed us to experience what it's like to be parents. It's such an amazing new type of love for both of us and it's only growing.

Now for all the picture lovers, here are a couple from the last day or so...

hard stages

It is hard not being able to bring our baby home. I think that, during these first weeks of Dane's life, there are a number of stages that we've gone through.

The first stage was the stage of uncertainty. The first days/weeks we didn't really know if anything was permanently "wrong" with him, if he had any birth defects or other problems that would affect him (and us) in the long-term. This was the hardest part for Larissa, which made it the hardest for me to see. She was so overwhelmed with fear that she'd done something to cause the premature birth. Facing the idea that nothing was happening how we dreamed it would was so hard and we both felt confused by why God was allowing things to happen in the way they did. We both felt incredibly lucky during this time to have each other to lean on. Luckily, it seems from all of the testing that everything about Dane is great and that everything points to him living a long healthy life. What a relief. As new parents, we already worry about our little Dane.

The second stage somewhat overlaps the first, but it comes after you know everything about how he's doing and now are just waiting for him to get strong enough to come home. That's the stage we're now in. We feel guilty when we do anything other than go to the NICU to be with him. We miss him when we're home without him. We feel like there is maybe something that we should be doing that would help him come home sooner. We are excited when he feeds well and discouraged when he doesn't. It is a stressful, emotional waiting game.

And we are looking ahead to the third stage, which will be all of the adjustments that will happen once he finally does come home. How will we feel once he's off of his monitors 24 hours per day? How will we handle it when he cries and we know that his diaper is clean and he isn't hungry? Then what? How will we deal with him waking up throughout the night and deciding he wants to scream instead of sleep? I need my beauty sleep... We expect this to be a really hard stage, one that will require a lot from us, and in turn, will cause us to depend on many of you for advice and help.

About a week or two ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of seniors at Wheaton College as part of their senior capstone class. The professor was one of my favorites from my time at Wheaton and he essentially told me to just talk about my time in college and since college about what I've learned and what I wish I knew when I was in their shoes. I had a number of topics run through my head at first, ideas for what I could talk about as my unifying point so that I didn't just ramble. I thought about having my main topic be "sometimes life doesn't go how you want but you just need to make the best of it" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle, even if you think everything will overwhelm you." I feel those are important things to undertand, but I wanted to give the class something more helpful, something you didn't hear in Church recently. So, after thinking about it, I talked about "Living for Now." So many times in my life, I've looked forward to the next stage of life. In middle school, I couldn't wait until I was in High School. I just knew that when I was a high schooler, when I was on the high school track team, that everything would be better. Then I got to high school and couldn't wait for college. College is where everything would get more fun, more applicable, where my life would start getting to how I wanted it to be. But then during college, I started thinking about Medical School. Nobody looks forward to medical school, but I thought that once I was done with medical school then I could settle down, buy a house and a car and get married and have some kids. But now I have residency ahead of me - 3 more years of hoping for the next stage. And I'm sure there'll be something after residency, maybe saying things will be better once I pay off my school loans or pay off my mortgage. Maybe I'm thinking about how much better life will be once Dane comes home, or once Dane is sleeping through the night. I know Larissa is thinking how great it will be when she can stop breastfeeding and she can go more than 4 hours without pumping/feeding. But I challenged the seniors, as I constantly am needing to challenge myself, that we need to spend more time Living for Now. There are so many great things in my life right now that I'd miss if I was just counting down for 3 years from now, or 10 years from now, or retirement. I have a great wife, a great healthy son. We have our own apartment. We live close enough to go to downtown Chicago for an afternoon. It is almost summer. So many things to enjoy now.

There are a lot of hard stages when you have a new baby, especially a baby in the NICU. Waiting is hard. It's hard not to be able to bring Dane home and not be able to be with him all of the time. It's hard to have a lot of our future in the air. But Larisa and I are trying to enjoy each day, to Live for Now, rather than only count down until the future.

more good news

It's been a couple days since our last post! Sorry, we haven't forgotten about all of you who faithfully read our Dane updates. :) Dane is continuing to take his milk better each day. On Thursday he drank 2.5 bottles, Friday managed 3 (albeit very tired at the end), which is moving in the right direction. Today he only got 2.5 bottles again (but hopefully he'll get another one in before the end of the day). It is still discouraging for us to have him not do as well with breastfeeding, even though we know that he'll keep improving at that. The nurses keep telling us that he's doing really well, but Larissa feels like he's not doing well because of something she's doing, which is hard. I (and the nurses) keep assuring her that he just needs time, so we'll just keep working on it.

We also talked with the nurse practitioner for the NICU, who said that we'll begin doing discharge planning next week. We aren't sure what exactly this entails, but we know we'll be picking a pediatrician for him. That is exciting because it (hopefully) means he'll be coming home within the next 1-2 weeks. We can't wait! We know he is in really good hands at the NICU, but we miss him when we are home. After having him with us constantly for the last 7 months, it's weird not to have him kicking Larissa in the ribs at night and squirming around for me to feel.

Babette (from Tyndale) also came to the NICU on Thursday to meet Dane. It was great to see her and she brought us an excellent non-frozen dinner, which was awesome since we're slowly cramming the freezer w/ milk. She assures us that she will be able to hold him without crying at some point in the future:)

Also, for those of you who were wondering, Dane still has red hair. :) Now that his hair is getting a bit longer, it is looking even more red (the photos don't really do it justice!) All the nurses are in love with him, which doesn't surprise us a bit. (But we still like to know other people think he's cute, too... I keep thinking of the Seinfeld episode "The Hamptons" where everyone but the parents of a baby see how ugly the kid is... we are glad that that isn't the case with Dane!) Anyway, Dane has also managed to get into the habit of making Larissa change all his poopiest diapers (as she gets the first one in the morning while I'm at class), and peeing on her each time she changes a diaper. She's getting better at noticing this before he pees on the crib, her clothes, his clothes/blankes, or his own face.

Our last bit of news is about Larissa's doctors appointment yesterday (Friday). She met with the doctor about her blood pressure. As you may remember reading, Larissa was initially put on 2 blood pressure medications (Labetelol and Nifedipine). Last week Larissa's BP began to normalize (down from the highs of ~160/110 to more normal, like 110/70) and she hadn't needed any medications since last Friday. Now, after 1 week off of medicines, the doctor said she is doing great and we don't need to follow her BP anymore. She can also start exercising (which I know she's excited about) but only non-impact stuff for now. She's allowed to walk/swim/do the elliptical, but they said she should wait until 6 weeks after delivery (3 weeks from now) to start doing impact exercises because the ligaments around her uterus haven't tightened back to normal yet. She is antsy to start doing TurboKick again, but she'll wait a couple more weeks to be safe.

And lastly, for those of you following all of this in your prayers, we would appreciate prayer for the following things:
- improved sleep for us (especially for Larissa, since she is getting up every ~4 hours to pump)
- Dane continuing to improve with taking his bottle-/breast-feedings
- deciding what to do for Larissa for work next year (we are torn because she would love to stay home with Dane, especially since he's so little, but we can't afford to have her quit - ideally we'd have her be able to work part time at Tyndale or work from home a couple days/week)
- getting finalized about where to live next year (nothing we have found has everything we want at a price we can afford - things like laundry would be great with the little guy) and getting moved.

Thanks! We can't wait for Dane to meet you all.

Uncle Steve visits with good news

Today we had the pleasure of a visit from Jenn Meisenheimer. (Sadly, Larissa and I forgot our camera at the apartment, so no pictures with Jenn...you'll have to visit again Jenn, and then you can get your photo in the blog. I'm sure its everyone's dream to have their photo make it into the Daily Dane blog...) Jenn and I (Mark) were on the swim team together all 4 years at Wheaton. Her daughter, Avery, is just under a year old, so it was fun to hear about how she's doing and think about how Dane might be doing in a year. Dane has been doing well with his feedings, too...he drank almost 2 entire bottles today, which is great. He is still exhausted afterwards, but is slowly making progress. Right now, pretty much the only thing keeping him from coming home is that he needs to be able to take all his milk from either the bottle or breast...right now he's only at 2/8 meals each day and is very tired. So, we'll see how he improves over the upcoming days. But it is encouraging to see him continue to improve.

After Jenn's visit, we also got to see my mom and brother, Steve. Steve was in DeKalb for a last visit to Northern Illinois University, looking at their law school. He had already made his decision to attend there this fall, but was pleasantly surprised when they also offered him a nice scholarship package. Lucky dog. We are very excited to have him close for the next 3 years! Anyway, after the visit he and mom came to Wheaton and took us out for Mexican food. Free food always tastes better. :) Following dinner, we went to the NICU and Steve finally got to hold Dane (the last time Steve saw Dane was just after delivery and Dane was supposed to stay in his little incubator as much as possible). You may also notice that Steve is sporting a very attractive hospital gown. He wore this because my parents' dog, McKenzie, also came on the day's tour of Illinois and Steven didn't want to share the dog germs with Dane (yet). It was fun watching Steve with Dane - Dane looks so small with him (quite the size difference) but my brother is really a natural with kids. Very cute. Anyway, today is another day of "no news is good news." Dane's job is still just to continue growing and to improve in taking more of his meals from the bottle/breast and to be less tired through the process each day. We are continually encouraged not only by the prayers and well wishes of you all but by the evident answers to those prayers as we see him improving and getting healthier each day. :)

Echo (Echo)

We have some exciting news today! First, Dane had his repeat (repeat) echo today and it showed the PDA continuing to shrink! (The photo to the left is of Dane getting his echo done...) His PDA was initially "moderate to large" then shrunk to "small to moderate" and today was classified at "trivial." What an answer to prayer! As of today, the doctor still can't hear the PDA and it is getting so small it looks like we hopefully won't have to do further medical treatment to close it or surgical ligation.

Our second piece of exciting news is that Dane did a great job feeding tonight! At his 5pm breastfeeding, he drank 18cc of milk out of the scheduled 36cc's. I thought this was interesting... I had no idea how they would be able to tell how much milk he drank (since it wasn't coming out of a syringe or bottle). All they did was weigh him before and after the feeding and the difference in weight was the # of mL of milk he drank (because 1mL of milk = 1gram). Part of why he did so well tonight is that he was finally awake enough to give a really good effort. (In the photo to the left, you can see Dane warming up for his stellar breastfeeding job...)

Dane was also very excited today to hear that he might see his Uncle Steve and Aunt Bethany soon! Steve informed us yesterday that he's going to be at Northern Illinois University for Law School for the next 3 years (the same amount of time we'll be around for my Family Medicine residency at La Grange Memorial Hospital). So that's very exciting. He'll only be ~40 miles away (which is about a 50 minute drive or a 30 minute ride on the Metra train). Very cool. We also heard from Bethany (who is still in Brazil with Campus Crusade) that based on some visa issues, she'll be back in the midwest for a couple weeks next month! Very exciting! Bethany has seen Dane a couple times on skype already, but she'll finally be able to meet him in person. We look forward to living closer to both of our siblings (we aren't sure where Bethany will be living once she returns from Brazil, but anywhere in the United States would be closer and easier to get to...)

the sweet sound of silence

Last night, Dane was transferred to the other NICU. It leaves a lot to be desired, comparatively, as it's one room, with three babies and 1 nurse. Not much privacy for breast feeding and pumping, which is kind of hard, especially since we're working on getting Dane to eat by mouth for every meal in order for him to come home. While this new NICU lacks privacy, it makes up for that somewhat by being much quieter than the main NICU. (Fewer crying babies and their beeping monitors in addition to no construction going on...) They call it the "step-down" NICU, which we're taking as a sign that he's getting close to being self-sufficient enough to leave. So, that's exciting!

He's also continuing to gain weight and length, at 1880 grams (4.136 lbs) and 42.5 cm (16.73 inches). We spoke to one of the doctors today, Loughead (pronounced Lawhead, not Lughead, as Mark believes), and he said that...he doesn't hear the murmur anymore! This is such great news - they hadn't given us any indication that there was a good chance it would close on its own, but apparently, that was a possibility all along. They'll do a follow-up echo tomorrow or Wednesday this week and so we're praying that it will either have shrunk again or closed completely. We appreciate all of your prayers throughout this process, too.

We also had our first really unhappy baby event this evening, while trying to breast feed again. Dane would not stop crying after being changed, being fed and being held... it was so hard for me not to know what to do to help him! Fortunately, the nurse was really nice about it and brought me a Kleenex. We then realized that he was so unhappy because he was busy...making the largest mess we've seen in a diaper so far. No wonder he was feeling bad! I need to start working on not getting completely freaked out when I can't get him to stop crying... I have a feeling this wasn't a one-time event! We have already started learning that he isn't as breakable as he looks (he's so small!) but we need to continue to learn that we might not be able to always "fix" him immediately. It's a process, right?

Slowly improving still = improving

Today was a great Easter, our first with our little guy as part of our family! It was very different from our last Easter (ask us how it felt to hunt for Easter eggs in Las Vegas...) and the one before that (a more normal Easter, spent with our families). We managed to get to Easter church at Harvest, which really reminded us how thankful we are to have a church home that we love. Following church, we headed home to eat the meal my mom was kind enough to bring ( I NEVER would have gotten pork chops, cranberry sauce and cardamom shortbread together in time for a holiday meal;)), and then went right over to be with Dane.

Yesterday, he was pretty wiped out, but today, his nurse again attempted to bottle feed him and was successful, with him eating almost 30 ml. With his milk feeds increasing each time, he finally broke the 4 pound barrier, weighing in at a whopping 4.1 lbs! Yay Dane! We tried to do some more breast feeding, and while he was able to latch a couple times, he was too tired to put the effort into sucking more than a few times. We'll keep working on it until both he and Mom get the hang of it! The nurses have said that he's still young/little enough that they're not concerned at all and will just keep practicing to help him get the hang of it once he's a bit bigger.

We're still waiting for another echocardiogram to give us an updated view of his PDA, but as his doctors have said, we're just ignoring it for now. There's a pretty good chance that it could still close completely on it's own, which would be a big answer to prayer. I can't imagine how nervous I'll be if he ends up having to have surgery.

The good news is that he's doing so well that he'll get his PICC line out tonight, finally allowing him to have two hands free of wires and boards - two hands to give the "I am DANE!" salute:) We also got a call from the NICU tonight letting us know that because he's so stable, his doctor decided he'd be a good candidate to move to an ancillary NICU on another floor, being used because of the construction currently going on in the main NICU. While I'm slightly nervous about his move away from his current, very safe environment, it's encouraging to us that they think he's well enough to move, even within the hospital; it gives me hope that he'll be home soon.

Just for fun, here are another couple fun facial expressions that we love to see, even if they really only mean he's pooping:)

I'm so excited that I need a nap

Dane had a lot of visitors today... Grandma and Grandpa Moyer drove down from Wisconsin along with his Great-Aunt and Uncle Velde and Second-Cousin Emily Bennett. It was great to get to see them all and everyone got their turn holding him. After all the excitement of his visitors, Dane slept from 4-8pm. At 8, he woke up just enough to put a little effort into breastfeeding - it didn't go as well as yesterday morning but did go better than yesterday evening. It can be discouraging to see him not just taking to his feedings as well as we would hope (because we hoped for 100% success on the first try), but it is encouraging to realize that even 2 days ago we wouldn't have anticipated even trying to have him breastfeed yet. The nurses have told us that his bottle and breast feedings right now are more "good practice" for him than actually providing him with real nutritional benefit, but with his continued tube feedings he is still slowly gaining weight. He gained 10grams from yesterday morning to this morning... hopefully he'll have broken 4 pounds when they weigh him tomorrow! :)

We were cleaning the apartment this morning in preparation for the Moyers and Veldes visiting and realized that we don't have any clothes that would fit Dane at this point. All of our "newborn" clothes still have quite a bit of room to grow in them before they'll fit him. With this lack of preemie clothes in our minds, it was with excitement that we opened a package from Great Grandma Hilgendorf today, who sent some cute preemie sized outfits. Very exciting to know that Dane will have more than diapers and oversized onesies to wear whenever he gets to come home.

What's so Good about Good Friday?

I love Dane. With today being Good Friday, I spent some time thinking about the sacrifice Christ made for us, looking at it especially from the perspective of being a new parent.

I love Dane, but if his death saved a million people, I'm sure I would call it worth it. I would probably even consider it a worthy sacrifice if he died to save a thousand people - maybe even for just 100 "good" people. On a good day, I might even say him dying to save 10 "good" people would be a fair exchange. But how would I feel if he lost his life to save 10 "bad" people? Or 1 "bad person"? or even 1 "good person"? Because this is exactly the sacrifice that God made. He gave up his only Son to die for the sins of other people. He would have done it for even one sinner. And I'm sure you could argue that it was an easier decision for God because He is omnipotent and knew how things would end up and that Christ would rise from the dead a couple of days later. But I would argue that God would have done it anyway, even if He didn't know how things would end up. It is His character to be loving and to care for His people.

Crucifixion was a horrible way to die. The following is an excerpt from the article "A medical explanation of what Jesus endured on the day He died," written by Dr. C. Truman Davis. I encourage you all to read the full article.

The crucifixion began. Jesus was offered wine mixed with myrrh, a mild analgesic, pain-reliving mixture. He refused the drink. Simon was ordered to place the patibulum on the ground, and Jesus was quickly thrown backward, with His shoulders against the wood. The legionnaire felt for the depression at the front of the wrist. He drove a heavy, square wrought-iron nail through the wrist and deep into the wood. Quickly, he moved to the other side and repeated the action, being careful not to pull the arms too tightly, but to allow some flexion and movement. The patibulum was then lifted into place at the top of the stipes, and the titulus reading "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" was nailed into place.

The left foot was pressed backward against the right foot. With both feet extended, toes down, a nail was driven through the arch of each, leaving the knees moderately flexed. The victim was now crucified.

As Jesus slowly sagged down with more weight on the nails in the wrists, excruciating, fiery pain shot along the fingers and up the arms to explode in the brain. The nails in the wrists were putting pressure on the median nerve, large nerve trunks which traverse the mid-wrist and hand. As He pushed himself upward to avoid this stretching torment, He placed His full weight on the nail through His feet. Again there was searing agony as the nail tore through the nerves between the metatarsal bones of this feet.

At this point, another phenomenon occurred. As the arms fatigued, great waves of cramps swept over the muscles, knotting them in deep relentless, throbbing pain. With these cramps came the inability to push Himself upward. Hanging by the arm, the pectoral muscles, the large muscles of the chest, were paralyzed and the intercostal muscles, the small muscles between the ribs, were unable to act. Air could be drawn into the lungs, but could not be exhaled. Jesus fought to raise Himself in order to get even one short breath. Finally, the carbon dioxide level increased in the lungs and in the blood stream, and the cramps partially subsided.

Spasmodically, He was able to push Himself upward to exhale and bring in life-giving oxygen. It was undoubtedly during these periods that He uttered the seven short sentences that are recorded.

The first - looking down at the Roman soldiers throwing dice for His seamless garment: "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do."

The second - to the penitent thief: "Today, thou shalt be with me in Paradise."

The third - looking down at Mary His mother, He said: "Woman, behold your son." Then turning to the terrified, grief-stricken adolescent John, the beloved apostle, He said: "Behold your mother."

The fourth cry is from the beginning of Psalm 22: "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"

He suffered hours of limitless pain, cycles of twisting, joint-rending cramps, intermittent partial asphyxiation, and searing pain as tissue was torn from His lacerated back from His movement up and down against the rough timbers of the cross. Then another agony began: a deep crushing pain in the chest as the pericardium, the sac surrounding the heart, slowly filled with serum and began to compress the heart.

The prophecy in Psalm 22:14 was being fulfilled: "I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint, my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels."

The end was rapidly approaching. The loss of tissue fluids had reached a critical level; the compressed heart was struggling to pump heavy, thick, sluggish blood to the tissues, and the tortured lungs were making a frantic effort to inhale small gulps of air. The markedly dehydrated tissues sent their flood of stimuli to the brain. Jesus gasped His fifth cry: "I thirst." Again we read in the prophetic psalm: "My strength is dried up like a potsherd; my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou has brought me into the dust of death" (Psalm 22:15 KJV).

A sponge soaked in posca, the cheap, sour wine that was the staple drink of the Roman legionnaires, was lifted to Jesus' lips. His body was now in extremis, and He could feel the chill of death creeping through His tissues. This realization brought forth His sixth word, possibly little more than a tortured whisper: "It is finished." His mission of atonement had been completed. Finally, He could allow His body to die. With one last surge of strength, He once again pressed His torn feet against the nail, straightened His legs, took a deeper breath, and uttered His seventh and last cry: "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit."

Tonight, when I read the crucifixion story, I tried to read the story replacing "Christ, Son of God" to "Dane, son of Mark." It almost made me weep. Christ's death on the cross was not only a sacrifice for Jesus. It was also a sacrifice for God, His Father. It would kill me if Dane went through the same thing. I've only known you for 2 weeks, Dane, but I love you. I would do anything to protect you, to save you from pain. But I could not ever do for you what Christ has already done. Even if I am amazing dad (yet to be seen), I could never wipe away your sins. I pray that Larissa and I teach you about God, about Christ's death and its significance. I pray you come to know Him even better and more closely than we do. I have already learned more about love in these 2 weeks with Dane than I thought I would ever learn from anyone besides Larissa. In addition to other types of love I have already known (the love of a child to his parent, the love among friends, the love of a spouse), I have experienced another type of love: the love of a parent for their child. In experiencing this additional manifestation of love, I feel that I am more whole and better understand the love of my parents and the love of God for us.

Tonight was a very somber night. It was filled with pain thinking about Christ on the cross, with awe thinking about what that death on the cross means, and joy thinking about the gift of life that Larissa and I have been given by Christ and also in the form of Dane. It was definitely a Good Friday.

Dane meets Great Grandma!

Dane got to see Grandma Anderson again and meet Great-Grandma Miller for the first time today. They also brought him some additional clothes...we are super excited for when he gets home and he can start growing into and wearing all the cute clothes we have for him! We could tell he was very excited because even AFTER eating he managed to stay awake and look around the room. And this had been no ordinary meal. After successfully taking a whole meal from a bottle yesterday, today Dane did a great job of breast-feeding (on his first attempt)! Following this strenuous activity, Dane promptly decided to yank his NG tube completely out of his nose. We think he was saying "I can eat on my own now and this tube is uncomfortable!" but he isn't quite ready to have it out (still gets tired eating and can't do all his meals on his own). So we got the chance to see him with his face completely uncovered before the nurses had to put the tube back through his nose to his stomach again before the next feeding.

Either way, he is doing really well. He did move from the isolet to a crib today, so that is exciting. We know there isn't really any difference between Dane in the isolet and Dane in the crib (assuming he can maintain his body temperature, which he is doing) - but he looks so much healthier when we see him in the crib! So much more like a baby almost ready to come home...we can't wait.

He also is gaining weight (which is good)! He measured 1800 grams today, which is just under 4 pounds. Now that he is eating well, he will still be getting some meals through the tube in his nose, but the IV fluids (TPN, D10, and lipid solution) have all been turned off. As long as he continues to tolerate his tube and/or oral feedings well, he may get to have his PICC line taken out tomorrow. That'd be nice just so his arm is a bit more comfortable. We'll keep watching to make sure his weight continues to go up now, especially when he is breast-feeding more (because it is pretty much impossible to figure out exactly how much he eats in that case other than by following his weight).

Yay for real food!

Today was a big day for the Dane-meister. He had his first bottle! Which may have been bigger than his entire body! He was a total champ - he finished the whole thing, didn't cry through the stiff burping the nurse gave him, and even gave a couple little burps. For now, he'll be doing one bottle feeding per day and decreasing the TPN (the IV nutrition he's been receiving) accordingly. I was so amazed with how easily he knew what to do - he obviously has two parents who enjoy eating:) Today the nurse fed him, but as he increases the number of bottle feeds he's doing, we'll get to start doing them as well. I'm a little nervous, but because he was so good at it, I felt a little calmer. We'll see how I feel when I have to do the burping! While the nurse was burping him, he turned super red and due to the choke-hold she had him in, his eyes bugged out a little bit. He kept looking at me like he was saying, "MOM, HELP ME!" He had almost an ounce of milk, which means I'm still storing approximately 28 ounces per day...hmm. The freezer is getting a little full and not with food!

He also had a routine brain scan today; this is something they do for all the preemies, so it wasn't checking for anything in particular. Dane is a very calm little guy, even for things like that, which hopefully will continue once he gets home:) He and dad got to have some guy snuggle time and both took a little nap during our evening visit. We've also included another picture with Mark's wedding ring to show how he's growing. He's back up to his birth weight, which is a good sign. Now that he's getting more milk with each feeding, he should keep gaining weight steadily.

More of Madison comes to us:)

Today we had another fun visitor. Our great friend Megan was in the area for work and made time to stop by and meet Dane. She, to save me from having to cook, bought us lunch - Megan, you're welcome back anytime;) Then we headed over to the NICU to visit our babe. He was his typical happy, sleepy self, but managed to break out a few of his new funny faces to show off for Megan. I think he may take after his dad in liking to be the center of attention:) We had a great time and he's doing so well that they said they're going to try to feed him with a bottle tomorrow - the first time he'll actually taste food! He's also been doing well with keeping his body temp well regulated, which means that they may try to move him out of his isolet in the next couple days. It would be very exciting to have a little easier access to him! We've also been noticing how much hair he has. It's pretty adorable, especially when it's messed up from sleeping on it. Mark was trying to style it into a mohawk the other night; he may need a little more length to make that work:) We're so thankful for how well he's doing. God is really blessing us through all the people that we have supporting us. Grandma Anderson and Great-Grandma Karin are coming down Friday and on Saturday, Great Aunt and Uncle Velde and our cousin Emily Bennett, along with Grandma and Grandpa Moyer, will be visiting.