The first obstacle to overcome is making sure he's awake. He sleeps for between 16 and 22 hours each day right now, and any type of non-tube feed is exhausting for him. If we can beat that and get two eyes open at once, we then have to get the latch down.
He's pretty good at latching on if awake, but for some reason, at this point, he'll latch, take a good suck or two and then start shaking his head from side to side and grimacing...huh. He then loses his latch and focus and I can't say it feels too pleasant for me either. I'm not sure what the problem is - he looks so confused and frustrated. Or maybe I'M just feeling so confused and frustrated, that's what I'm interpreting his faces to mean. His other response to latching lately has been to fall asleep. The nurses tell me that it's because of the feeling of comfort from being near me, skin to skin, which, while making me feel a tremendous love for this little guy who needs me, also frustrates me, as it then causes another failed feeding.
For the last 3 or 4 days, we'll get into a pattern of sucking and work on it for 15-20 minutes, only to find that he's completely exhausted at the end and hasn't actually transferred anything. SO hard to hear over and over again. The doctors keep saying that for as little as he is, he's doing great and that one day he's just going to get it...but it's so hard to want him to come home and know that this is the last hurdle stopping him from being with us. I was afraid of how I would like breastfeeding, but even despite the difficulties we're having now, I love the feeling of being able to nurture and protect Dane, of being so close to him and knowing he's relying on me. I'm so thankful that God's allowed us to experience what it's like to be parents. It's such an amazing new type of love for both of us and it's only growing.
Now for all the picture lovers, here are a couple from the last day or so...
Hi Mark & family! Annie sent me the news about Dane's birth. I am so happy to read through your posts and follow his progress & growth. Praying that Dane can soon be home with you! It has been a huge joy for us watching our daughter Elena grow-- almost 9 months now! I know you will experience the same sorts of challenges, blessings, and joy.
ReplyDeleteRachel (Brown) Morehouse
Just want to say that new moms so often feel that when something has gone or is going wrong, it's their fault and they aren't doing it right. But you ARE doing it right! it just takes time for things to work out, and babies to learn how to communicate, and moms and dads to learn what they need and how to help and love and comfort them, and the sometimes they can't be comforted...you just have to get through it for a while. But it all works out in the end, and you DO grow in confidence as parents, and then you realize you will always have fears, and doubts, but you can trust God to help you through them and things get better and better. So hang in there, don't be hard on yourselves...many of us have gone through the same frustrations, but it passes and each new day seems brighter and better and a bit easier. God is good, and you guys have all you need to be great parents. Trust your judgement and common sense. You're probably doing the best anyone could do!! We continue to hold you up in prayers and rejoice with you that Dane is getting better each day and soon you will all be home and doing good together. Sleep deprivation stinks, so sleep whenever you can!
ReplyDeletelove, hugs and prayers,
Marita Menard